Onald Creely, the Professional Ghost Story

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Hope to see you all at Stumptown this weekend! You will be able to preorder the Deluxe Hob Book there.

In recent years, the ethics and overall legality of the Professional Ghost Story (or Neverwas) has come into question. The sale of regrets, as we know, is a trade as old as history itself; the Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar II financed the construction of the famous Hanging Gardens primarily with the sale of his wife’s regrets to the Assyrians. The most common igneous rock exported by the Mayans was not, in fact, obsidian, but regret. Namely, the regret of catching smallpox.

Few modern analysts dispute the historical and modern relevance of regret sales; rather, it is the lifestyle and practices of the actual regret salesman that raises issues. Regrets, naturally, come in various flavors and qualities, the best by far always coming from one with the highest concentration of despair: a Neverwas. On occasion a Neverwas will occur naturally in a hobo boxcar or trust fund, but more often than not it requires years of dedicated training to ensure that no meaningful life decisions are ever made (the advent of the internet has allowed for marvelous advancements in this field). A professional Neverwas, though rare, can generate a significant fortune and not spend it, making it a popular career among those who wish to not work and then not reap the benefits.

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